So my weigh in last Thursday (2/07/13) went well:

Down: 0.6

Currently: 185.2 

Total Lost: 23.8 

Which was surprising because it was another even more stressful week. My boyfriend and I bickered, we ran into a terrible landlord who made us listen to all his theories on why Obama is terrible and when he started getting homophobic I had to literally walk away from him. (The worst part is this apartment was amazing, I would never have listened to his bullshit for that long otherwise.)

But good news, we finally found a place! And it's in an awesome area, so I'm excited about that. Though, I nearly had a heart attack when the landlady called me and was thinking of changing her mind because we're so broke. And it's weird that we barely got a good look at this place because the tenant was still there when we looked at it. First impression was good, though... So even though we gave her the deposit today, we're both still nervous and we have to start the whole process of actually moving now. Going through our mountains of stuff, selling what we can, maybe getting a storage place, selling Ethan's truck that doesn't work... Still a lot to do, but at least the stress of possibly couch surfing/living in our car has been lifted.

Anyway, all that ramble was to say I'M STRESSED and tracking pretty infrequently and eating too much fast food. And as of the last few days I've had an awesome cyst in my armpit which has made any exercise impossible. So frustrating and uncomfortable and embarrassing. It's fun that stress will exacerbate an extremely painful skin condition (Hidradenitis suppurativa. I wouldn't google image that. Mine is moderate usually, though my armpit is making me miserable at the moment.) which then exacerbates my stress... 

So to sum up: Not looking forward to weighing in or moving, am looking forward to my meeting (missed it last week, only weighed in) and being able to exercise again. Even though I'm stressy and whiny, I'm so thankful to not be sick anymore and my winter depression has been improving, so woo, good things!

It's a new month, how did that happen...

Slacking on this blog already? I wanted to write an update at least after each weigh in, but apartment hunting has really been stressing me and my boyfriend out. It's kind of tough to find a nice place in a nice neighborhood that allows pets and also wants an unmarried couple (you'd think that wouldn't matter in 2013) where one works part time and the other is unemployed and they both have terrible credit. IT SUCKS. Anyway, I haven't had the extra energy and I thought it might be better spent on tracking and working out.

And it was, yay! I lost exactly 3 pounds in January.

1/10/13

Weigh in: -2.6
Weight: 186.2
Total: -22.8

Woo, not between 188-192!

1/17/10

Weigh in: +2.2
Weight: 188.4
Total: -20.6

Blergh. My period plus two guesstimated meals, I think were to blame here.

1/24/10

Weigh in: -1.6
Weight: 186.8
Total: -22.2

1/31/13

Weigh in: -1.0
Weight: 185.8
Total: -23.2

I was so happy to see 185 yesterday. Last week I was really happy to see 186 again, but 185 feels like I'm solidly away from the 188-192 range I bounced around forever and it feels good! Also, I weighed myself before the meeting at home and it said 188 so my home scale is clearly an ASSHOLE. It made the WW weigh in a happy surprise, though, so that's nice.

So that was January. Slowly getting back into the running groove. I beat my mile record! Wasn't even trying, don't you hate me right now? New record: 14:34. 8 seconds faster! ZOOM, BITCHES.

PICTURES, BITCHES!

I should probably get consistent with my pose and using flash or not...

I thought it might be better to take these without sucking it in, but I'm regretting that now... Also, I should do something about my hair...

So that's 3 pounds down, don't think I can see any discernible difference. I'm really glad I'm taking pictures. I've been getting compliments and feeling good in my clothes and that's been dangerous for me in the past. I start feeling cute and completely lose my drive, but seeing pictures lets me know I still have lots of work to do. I don't want to lose sight of my long term goal because I don't currently feel terrible.

A Little Random Whining; Pho and Pills

I think my cold is morphing into a throat infection and our apartment building was sold and we received 60 days notice to vacate today. Needless to say: STRESSED and trying not to eat the stress away. I wish I could exercise it away!  

I know I should have some chamomile tea and meditate or something, but I took a vicodin instead. I did have a headache and sore throat, so I'm not a complete drug abuser, but ibuprofen probably would have done the trick. I'm only in possession of two vicodins (counting the one I took, so only one now), no need to call Betty Ford quite yet.

...

Veggie and tofu pho for dinner tonight from Pho Tastee in Huntington Beach (~6 PP, guesstimated). Delicious! The tofu was fried or grilled or they did some sort of mojo to it, because it was so good. Plus two egg rolls (9 PP) and a few bites of vegan carrot cake (4 PP, guesstimated because that's how many I have left. Terrible. Not the cake, cake is amazing from Mother's Market, I am terrible.) CRAP I FORGOT TO TRACK THE SWEET AND SOUR SAUCE.

 Had to sneak in a couple cat pictures, they really liked the box we brought home dinner in.

...

Back to my wicked, pill popping ways, I just realized I took a lot of pills today. Vicodin, mood aid, turmeric, ibuprofen, pseudophedrin and does a zinc lozenge count? And I'll be taking a melatonin soon. And possibly more pain reliever, head is still hurting and I might have a fever... So ready for this cold to be done!

2013, I'm gonna own you, I swear to god.

That's me on the left, chubbin' it up at around 212 lbs. (My beardy boyfriend, Ethan, next to me)

Oh, dear, is that camel toe? It might be, sorry. Also, why didn't I put my hands on my hips? (I think disguising myself in pictures is second nature...) Anyway, this is me earlier today, at 188.8 lbs.

It was so hard to not suck in my belly automatically, I really had to think about it.

So I'm 31 and I've been trying to lose weight since I was 17. Technically, before that, I think around 12 or 13 my sister (older by 9 years) went on a low fat diet so I was basically on it with her since she was in charge of feeding me. We went bike riding and rollerblading a lot and somewhere in there I went from an awkward tween to a teenage girl with a pretty smokin' bod. SO much of my self esteem was tied to that hot body. I didn't think I was very pretty or had much else going for me, so when I started gaining weight around 17, I was devastated. 

I've tried SO MANY things. I've never stuck with any of them. Just vague "eating healthier", counting calories, trying to work out every day (and getting pissed off at myself and giving up for missing a day), Slim Fast. I could never stick to anything because I wasn't changing my habits. I wanted it to be quick and easy, just like everyone does.

There was one diet that worked; I managed to stick to it for three months and lost 35 lbs. One day I noticed a couple friends of mine had lost weight, at this point I was at 212 lbs and I demanded to know what they were doing. Turned out it was Dr. Cohen's First Personal Diet. It's this crazy thing where you take a blood test, mail the results to South Africa and for about $250 they send you a personalized plan where basically you can have meat and vegetables in exact weighed portions, 3 pieces of fruit, yogurt, 1 egg, cheese, diet soda, 6 saltines and I think a tbsp of mayo. In only certain combinations, in certain amounts of grams and they actually discourage exercise. But we were all desperate at this point. (I also couldn't afford it, so my friend gave me her meal plan.) It's about 700-800 calories a day and after losing 35 pounds, I felt really great and started loosening the reigns on this crazy diet until I was back to my old habits and gained almost all the weight back.

I decided I just couldn't get back to 212, or more than that. In October 2010, I started a new, really stressful, but decent paying job and I decided with my first paycheck I would join Weight Watchers Online. I didn't get paid until the end of November and in that month I gained nearly 20 pounds and was up to 209. I really didn't want to get back to 212! I lost 15 pounds by around February and then NOTHING for about 8 months. Staying consistent has always been really hard for me. I always seem to cancel a great week out with one or two bad weeks. I also SEVERELY hated my job. I think I could have handled the stress and hard work of the job if it weren't for my AWFUL coworker. Ugh, can I just rant about her for a couple sentences? She was not my supervisor or boss in any way, but treated me like an underling. She was crazy, would yell at me, would go on and on about her (weird) personal life or conspiracy theories or actually racist crap, then get pissed off if I would waste any time having a chat with other people, everything had to be her way and any suggestions I made were treated as an argument or that I was "undermining her authority" (authority she never had). ARG. God, super crazy, horrible woman. Anyway. She made my life at work hell for almost a year. (I did talk to my boss about her a few times, she talked about me too and in the end I think he thought both of us were crazy bitches.) When I got laid off, I was worried, but also incredibly relieved. I thought I'd have tons of time and a lot less stress and be able to concentrate more on weight loss.

Let's start a new paragraph, that one is getting huge. So I got laid off, my weight loss still stalled, I decided to start going to Weight Watchers meetings in November 2011. I lost about 5 more pounds, but in 2012 I literally only lost 3 pounds. That's better than gaining, of course, but not where I want to be. I started running more seriously in 2012, completed the Couch-to-5k app and am on week 7 of 5k-to-10k. My workouts and tracking are much ore consistent and I met some wonderfully inspiration ladies in my meetings (especially See Cupcake Run, whom I am most creepily copying her LIFE, so I can hopefully be as successful as her), so 2012 wasn't a total wash.

Something my awesome WW leader said helped change my perspective: "If you focus on the results, you'll never change. If you focus on changes, you'll see results" (Jack Dixon) That really hit home. I need to be consistent with healthy habits. If the changes become part of my routine, results will happen.

Last month was great and awful. It started with being really consistent and losing 3.8 lbs one week (that was with going negative in my points, but also doing lots of activity). Then PMS, winter depression, holidays, travelling and a cold knocked me on my ass. I managed to make it through all that to today only gaining .8 lbs. I'm almost over my cold and looking forward to/slightly dreading getting back to running. I'm SO close to beating this plateau. I want to finally get a weight watchers charm! (I have the sticking-with-it clapping hands, but that's it.)

So here I am. Starting a blog so I can ramble away about weight, food, why I am the way I am, without boring the pants off everyone I know. I want to stay accountable, I want to post here with real progress pictures and I want that to motivate me to make real progress! 

I don't look as awful as the above pictures all the time! Just wanted you to know that. I'm vain.